Here is the shocking truth about the “sex adventures” crossdressing men get up to. We can safely say this dude is an “autogynophile” or AGP, who gets off on the fantasy of himself as a woman, and in this case, a woman being humiliated during sexual activity. This idea often comes through pornography addictions these men have, as well as “humiliation” desires stemming from childhood abuse. This is a completely false representation of female sexual desire and experience. This man has a serious psychiatric illness and he’s damaging others. Fortunately Clementine got out 10 years ago.
Below are her replies to my survey, 20 Questions to Ask a Trans Widow. I have lightly edited for grammar. Please do make a plan for yourself, dear readers, involving what calming activity you will do to clear your mind after reading this post. I used to get upset in the process of this documentation, but I am now so confident in my role collecting data, that I put my emotions in neutral and extract the inner meanings. My notes appear in bold, and I put some parts of her replies in bold, along with the questions. Clementine, your words resonate with us! We thank you. We wish you complete healing and we support you in telling your story. He committed unconscionable acts of violence on Clementine, his wife and mother of children he fathered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Clementine’s Responses, 20 Questions to Ask a Trans Widow ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Clementine’s Preface:
I think he is a bit different from many AGPs as he is physiologically AGP rather than traditional cross dresser. (Ute’s note: this goes beyond quirks or kinks and this man is not safe around women.)
He was extremely interested in transition and in couples who stayed together after the man came out and acted as “lesbians” and I thought he would announce he was trans, but ultimately he didn’t.
it was a 3 decade abusive relationship, I am now in my 60s. I am still in sex trauma therapy for cPTSD . it is nearly 10 yrs since we split.
I was victim of CSA and abuse before meeting him, which I think led him to target me.
- Was his crossdressing a revelation or your discovery?
He announced it one day in the bedroom , suggesting that him cross dressing “would expand my sex positivity and stop me being so vanilla”
He often spoke about being a non gender conforming child. not interested in ‘ boy things” , preferring to play with girls and do dress up, etc.
He grew his hair long , acted as a sensitive , “feminist man” interested in women’s rights, health issues etc.
2. Did he then tell you it is under control, not frequent, and then it escalated out of control?
It waxed and waned because he could use other things to abuse and control.
Initially he acted as if it was a whim and a fun thing to try as a one off , but then AGP and related paraphilias; voyeurism, fascination with urine / body fluids, porn, pain.
He used suction devices and clamp things from sex shops , and also my breast pumps from having kids to increase his nipple/ breast size / sensitivity.
I think he was in contact with Beaumont society at one point, as he said they were all dressed in leopard print like Bet Lynch ( coronation Steet TV show bar maid) or conservatively like Margaret Thatcher.
3. Did he select a therapist? Did that therapist or he claim the marriage is now a “lesbian relationship?”
No therapist for him while we were together, but he was at times obsessed with ours being a lesbian relationship.
I think he targets Bi women with the aim lf convincing them that they re now in a lesbian relationship.
I refused to accept this, which caused a lot of rages.
I am so pleased now, that despite the many things I acquiesced to, that I stood firm on this.
(Ute’s note: I take this to mean she would not agree their marriage was “lesbian.” )
4. Did he put money in a secret account or other venue and spend it on wardrobe, make-up, electrolysis, etc? Did he incur credit card debt for this spending?
Despite a huge salary, he incurred massive debts for all sorts of things , which I had to pay off by scrimping and saving and going without. This became my way of life.
His spending was secretive, and he travelled extensively for work, so I don’t know all of what he spent on. However, he wasn’t focused on clothing and makeup, he was really more interested in physiological aspects – menstruation, women urinating, breast development, lactation, pregnancy, the capacity for a vagina to stretch, etc.
He definitely spent money on sex toys things to insert in him, increase nipple size, things to trap, bind and hurt his testicles and penis. Also money on porn etc.
5. Did he wear your clothing or make-up?
He wore some of my underwear, initially saying he liked the feel of the fabric, but he really liked to see his erection sticking out.
He started wearing the same clothes as me; same coats and jackets and jumpers, so that we looked like little and large clones. (Ute’s note, a jumper is a sweater.)
I found that embarrassing but put up with it. Every time I see couples dressed alike now, I wonder if there is abuse and coercive control.
6. Did he suggest/coerce/cajole you into “sex role play” whereby you are to use a “strap on” or other sex toy and play a “male” part in bed?
Yes, to an extent, though ” gender play” was initially a supposedly ” fun” suggestion which i wasn’t keen on but went along with. Then it built up to me having to narrate how his erection was a vulva/ vagina and how my parts were a penis.
This was very hard to cope with playing along with this and has left me quite damaged & scarred as it really affects the brain and responses, I think. (and it turned my stomach)
It is not benign.
(Ute’s note: This is so true. These men damage all of the people around them. Their motivations are violating boundaries and getting a sick thrill out of the humiliation of others. Intuitively, they know that asking a partner to do these violative acts in bed is a gross humiliation of the partner. The fact that the medical and mental health profession sanction this is shocking.)
He was extremely interested in anal stuff but I refused to use toys beyond the very mundane externally and no strap on. He used them on himself and was obsessed about how much he could fit in himself. He wanted to insert large things in me.
(Ute’s note: This is very dangerous for the female body, not to mention the mind. It is essentially rape or a rape scenario. I can’t call it anything benign.)
He spent a lot of time ‘tucked’ with testicles inserted and would make me try an insert them or tie up his penis and I would be scared about the blood supply, especially since he would have said it was my fault if any damage resulted.
7. Did a therapist suggest any of the above as in #6? I am combining the answers of these two in the data but it’s important for data to know whether mental health professionals were participating in this sexual harassment.
A therapist after I escaped said that all his AGP stuff was his legitimate gender journey/ exploration and I should not be traumatized by it.
(Ute’s note: this is essentially the sanctioning of rape by the “gender therapist” and mental health community. Shame on them.)
I found that quite upsetting and with new counsellors did not broach this aspect of sexual abuse and control. even now I am reluctant to share it with therapist.
(Ute’s note: Again, the damage to women by mental health malpractice. Shameful.)
8. Did he defame/vilify you in affidavits submitted to court in the divorce/custody process or defame/vilify you on social media? Please, if both happened, do indicate.
He attempted to control the narrative and make it very hard for me to speak. even now he has the money & power, so I can’t easily speak out under my name
He made a point of telling different tales to different people. He was always the hero and i the villain.
Lied to court, saying I refused to work, etc.
9. Did he claim to any therapist or a group of friends that you abused him verbally or physically?
He claimed I abused him, supposedly did not support him when he was suicidal, “refused to work outside the home,” and he alienated the kids. He took out a credit card with my name on it so it looked like I was the spendthrift.
He did not admit that he had made it impossible for me to do things, including years of being his full time carer when he pretended an exaggerated disability.
10. Did he attack you physically? Please indicate whether it was choking, shoving, punching, etc and if there were any bruises, scars and evidence. Also if the police were called.
Yes. but no police involved.
He was physically abusive since the beginning, (but the kind he could deny) mostly shoving, tripping and pushing, pinching , twisting my arm , sexual pain, foreign objects/ bottles and coercion, sleep rape.
I suspect he drugged me at times as I had several episodes where I basically collapsed into bed and then felt like I’d had sex the next day and I smelled condoms. (which we didn’t use then)
Also, he watched me urinate all the time- I wasn’t allowed to shut the door.
At the end he prevented me from going to hospital for days when I was critically ill and I can only assume it was in hope i would die. I was told I was less than an hour from death when I eventually went in .
11. Did he force unwanted sex with you? Did that happen more than once? Were the police called, were any charges filed?
Yes, multiple times, no police.
I would wake up with him on top of me and he was gaslight me into thinking we had fallen asleep like that or that he had been dreaming vividly and acted out the ‘sexy dream’ in his sleep.
He would make me have sex after he had raged at me for hours and I would agree to get the ordeal over with. I would be put into uncomfortable positions, head banging on wall, and so on, to make me suffer.
He was obsessed with anal, which I was not keen on.
(Ute’s note: dude is a dangerous psychopath. Thank goodness Clementine got out 10 years ago!)
He persuaded me to give in and I agreed [to anal sex] on one occasion but he did not stop when I told him to, saying afterwards I had not used the safe words and he thought I was enjoying it.
He caused me pain every time we had sex.
After that , every time we had sex he would attempt to ” accidentally ” put his penis in the wrong place, which has left me with considerable mental trauma and I also have issues with continence from the rape.
He told me that my problem was having an anatomy where my vagina was too close to my anus. He also discussed this “problem” with midwives and doctors which was embarrassing and made me think I had an issue as they never said it was idiotic suggestion.
(Ute’s note: Again, the medical profession sanctioning rape.)
12. Did you live below the poverty line or require governmental or family financial assistance at any time after the end of the relationship? Were you unable to leave because of money?
Despite a massive salary, we lived on the breadline. He made it very difficult for me to work outside the house by working unpredictable hours and traveling for weeks at a time. He later pretended to be disabled for years and I was his full time carer. it meant he could control me and indulge his urine/ degradation fetish.
13. Did any members of the clergy (priests, rabbis, ministers) suggest that you have to give in to his requests to keep your family/marriage together?
No, but I grew up in a very religious family and had absorbed the idea of keeping family together above all.
14. Did anyone, therapist, friend, husband, or family suggest you now are obligated to “share Mother’s Day?” Did teachers prompt the child(ren) to start making 2 Mother’s Day gifts?
No. although I wondered if he was going to announce transition at the end , he did not
15. In your own individual therapy, or in the process of interviewing a therapist for yourself, did any mental health professionals tell you that he’s to be referred to as female, with female pronouns in therapy supposedly centered around your recovery?
One that I spoke to was convinced he was on a “gender journey,” not a malignant narcissist abuser/ pervert / AGP. This therapist said he did not like me talking about the abusive aspects.
I wasn’t even fully aware of the abuse then.
16. Did you lose a set of friends after he came out or after the relationship ended?
He never came out but I think he might have if things had been slightly different. He was paving the way.
17. Did he start self-identifying as “mother” of the children he fathered or was step-father of?
No.
18. Did he suggest/insist that the children call him “Mama-Something” or some other similar version of Mum?
No.
19. Did a therapist or husband or any friends/relatives tell you that your rejection of and ending the relationship “caused him to decide to live as a female full-time?”
No, he hasn’t gone that far. he is more of an Alex Drummond type.
(Ute’s note: I assume Alex Drummond is a crossdresser who is obsessed with subjecting his wife to his physically and psychologically damaging demands.)
20. Did he co-opt your experience of childbirth, using the details of your labor to convince new friends of his “female status” and role as “mother?”
Not exactly, but he coopted all aspects of my life, told things that had happened to me as if they had happened to him.
He would watch me with great interest to copy/mirror me.
I did catch him with our kids latched on his nipples which he said was a baby’s rooting instinct. I was upset but I didn’t see it for what it was. It made me feel sick and thankfully he had limited interest or time spent with the kids.
He would insert himself into situations, women-only events, friendships and made sure I couldn’t see friends on my own.
He went on women only marches, eg reclaim the night, supposedly as an ally and visited women’s peace rallies and camps.
He would suggest often that his circumcision was just like female genital mutilation.
(Ute’s final note: This is one of the more violent, abusive and disgusting of the husbands in our data of 56 trans widows. I do not take any of this with “a grain of salt.” It rings true to me and I so appreciate Clementine’s candor. Some of the trans widows who have experienced marriage to this type are in the younger generation, and the “pro-kink” attitudes in that age group are so coercive and damaging. We must continue to tell these stories to protect women! Thank you!)
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UteHeggen~GrassWidow 
Good God Ute! I had to stop half way through. Good on you for having the fortitude to bear witness!
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At this point, the derogation of “vanilla” should be a red flag. It points to the normalization of “rough sex,” kink, and paraphilia.
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